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How Blake Lively Unmasked the Cost of Women's Happiness




There’s a future version of me that is happier. This version of me lives in a serene modern farmhouse. Each morning, I happily make my way to the kitchen as I hear the dripping sound of hot coffee, which is placed near the imperfectly perfect arrangement of flowers on my wood-and-marble kitchen counter, with sunlight beaming through the ceiling high windows, overlooking a green field with a herd of chickens, a goat and horse grazing in the far distance. My plan for the day is to spend another full day at my home library/office, brainstorming, writing and creating my next masterpiece. This version is not only happier, she is witty, sharp, vibrant and effortlessly confident. (And yes, a wood-and-marble countertop is absolutely a thing in the future!)


But my real life looks nothing like this. I live in a one-bedroom condo where the noise pollution greets me before the day begins. My books are crammed onto a single shelf, and the rest spill out wherever there’s space. I scramble to beat the ticking clock to my 9 a.m. meeting. I move through the day like a tightly wound coil, always rushing, always bracing. Did I mention I have quit coffee (something about it being bad for my health), so I officially have nothing to tether me to planet earth.

Photo Credit: Ilenia Tesoro
Photo Credit: Ilenia Tesoro

But this future self means everything to me. She’s the reason I keep going, the one I’m working so hard for. Her happiness and joy mean the world to me, and I imagine her loved and celebrated for who she is. But lately, I’ve been worried about her safety and the reality of her place in the world.


I recently attended a book launch where a celebrated author stood before a room of a thousand women. She asked, “Do you know any strong women?” Every hand shot up. She continued: “Do you know women who work hard, fight for justice, or take on big missions? Women who are driven, courageous, and brave?” Hands stayed high, unwavering.


“And do you know any happy women?” The hands faltered but remained raised. Finally, she asked: “Do you know any relaxed women?


The room broke into laughter as hands dropped. Relaxed women? The idea felt as mythical as unicorns. This moment crystallized a truth I had been grappling with: while we celebrate strong, resilient, and successful women, we rarely see relaxed women—at least not without suspicion or judgment.


The Myth of the Relaxed and Happy Woman


Statistically, women outpace men in earning advanced degrees and thriving after setbacks. Research even shows that women channel heartbreak into growth, while men tend to self-destruct in the wake of a breakup. Yet the archetype of a happy and relaxed woman remains elusive. Think of a relaxed, joyful woman in your life. Now, reflect on your reaction to her. Is it admiration? Or is there a flicker of judgment?


When I see a woman embodying happiness and ease, my inner critic often whispers:


  • “Must be nice not to have real worries.”

  • “If I didn’t have to work, I’d be relaxed too.”

  • “She’s out of touch with reality.”


For someone like me, born in a war-torn country where women’s rights were fragile at best, these judgments take on an even sharper edge:


  • “Must be nice not to know poverty.”

  • “This is what privilege looks like.”

  • “She doesn’t carry the weight of a nation’s suffering on her shoulders.”


These reactions terrify me because they aren’t just directed outward—they’re aimed at the happy, relaxed woman inside of me. We’ve been conditioned to see her as frivolous, even irresponsible.


Photo Credit: Brianne Folden
Photo Credit: Brianne Folden

What Blake Lively’s “Crime” Teaches Us


This dynamic was on full display when Blake Lively faced backlash for her work. She made a movie spotlighting domestic violence, one of the most brutal and pervasive issues women face globally. But instead of being praised, she was vilified—for being happy.


Blake Lively chose to act in a deeply traumatic film—a role that likely demanded immense mental and emotional resilience. Taking on such a project requires valuing the story enough to immerse oneself fully in the pain, complexity, and nuance of the subject. Yet, instead of acknowledging this effort, many chose to critique how she conducted herself during the promotion of the movie—an entirely separate activity from the craft of acting itself.


To compare, we don’t judge brilliant writers by how they market their books. Their talent is measured by the beauty and skill of their writing, not their ability to sell it. But in Blake’s case, it seems the film itself wasn’t allowed to speak for her. The promotional content was scrutinized just as much, if not more, as the work she poured into the role. This unfair judgment feeds into a larger narrative: that no matter what women do, it is never enough. Their skills and contributions are not allowed to stand on their own without being accompanied by an idealized performance in every other sphere.


Her joy offended people. We wanted her draped in sorrow, speaking in hushed tones, reflecting the gravity of her film. But her vibrancy—the very thing that could inspire and uplift—was interpreted as tone-deaf. Why? Because her happiness touched a sore spot in us. It reminded us of the part of ourselves we’ve buried under the weight of “shoulds.” We should be strong, selfless, tireless. But happy? Relaxed? That feels like a betrayal of the struggles we face and the causes we carry.

Photo Credit: Anniken Englund Jørgensen
Photo Credit: Anniken Englund Jørgensen

Giving Ourselves Permission


What if, instead of resenting women like Blake Lively, we celebrated them? What if we allowed them and ourselves to embody joy without guilt? A relaxed, happy woman doesn’t diminish the importance of hard work or empathy. She expands what’s possible. She reminds us that it’s okay to lay down our burdens, even briefly, and exist for ourselves.


To nurture this version of ourselves, we must:


  1. Know Your Priorities: You cannot care about everything and everyone. Choose where your energy goes and let go of the rest.


  2. Embrace Authenticity: Accept that not everyone will, or should, like you, and that chances are that you don't like every single person either.


  3. Set Boundaries: Protect your peace. It’s not selfish; it’s survival.


  4. Connect with Something Greater: Whether it’s faith, nature, or stillness, lean on a force that reminds you that everything will be okay.


The relaxed and happy woman inside you is not a threat—she’s your greatest ally. Let her out. The world doesn’t just need strong women; it needs women who are whole.



 

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