“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." – Maya Angelou
One of my relationships hit a breaking point when we had a major conflict and I experienced significant emotional challenges. There were tears, long speeches, and plenty of emotions, but when I expressed that I needed accountability, I was met with judgment and subtle attacks. Instead of being heard or moving toward real resolution, every conversation was shut down with the same phrase: “I’m very sorry, that was not my intention.”
Something about that seemingly benevolent sentence unsettled me. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe them—I did. But their intention didn’t undo the harm, and it certainly didn’t lead to reconciliation. It felt like a dead end, a way to escape real responsibility.
Imagine walking down a road when someone absentmindedly extends their leg in your path. You trip, fall, and bruise your head. They may insist they had no intention of making you fall, but their lack of intent does nothing to change the fact that now your forehead is bleeding. The impact remains.
That’s what I felt in this conflict. And it made me wonder: At what point do we start using “intentions” as a shield to avoid real accountability? At what point does “but that wasn’t my intention” become a way to demand easy forgiveness, placing the burden of healing on the person we hurt? And when our good intentions aren’t enough for them to move on, do we then judge them for not letting it go?
How many times have we heard someone say, “That wasn’t my intention” as a defense for harm caused? Whether it’s a friend who made an insensitive comment, a leader who failed their team, or a partner who broke trust, the conversation often centers around what they meant to do, rather than what they did. And because of this, the actual harm remains unexamined, and worse—unresolved.
How to Evaluate Your Impact and Right the Wrong
We need to remember that very few people in our circles are truly mindful of their impact. Most of us haven’t had role models who exemplify this way of being in the world. Instead, we’ve been conditioned to dismiss harm with phrases like, “We’re just different people,” “It’s just a difference of opinion,” “I don’t remember that happening,” or “you’re overreacting.” While often unintentional, these responses shut down growth and can even gaslight the other person—invalidating their experience when, in reality, they were hurt by the impact of our actions.
Recognizing the importance of impact over intention is only the first step. To truly create positive change, we must actively measure our impact and take steps to repair any harm caused. Here are some practical ways to do so:
Ask for Feedback
Go directly to the person (or group) affected and ask how your actions impacted them. One of the most powerful questions you can ask is: “What do you need from me to make this right?”. You can practice active listening—without getting defensive, justifying your actions, or centering your own feelings. Your goal is to gain insight, not to be absolved. If it helps, take notes and repeat back what you hear to ensure you’re truly understanding, free from bias or assumption.
Take Accountability
Acknowledge the harm without shifting blame or minimizing the experience of the other person. Express genuine remorse that focuses on their reality, not just your intentions. Avoid conditional apologies like, “I’m sorry if you felt hurt.” Instead, take full ownership:“I’m sorry that my actions hurt you.” Accountability means recognizing that impact matters more than intent.
Make Amends in Proportion to the Harm
Words alone aren’t always enough. Consider what tangible steps you can take to repair the damage—whether that’s a heartfelt apology, making restitution, or committing to real behavioral change. Ask yourself: What action would demonstrate my willingness to make this right? Follow through with sincerity.
See Your own beauty
Implementing this process is not for the faint of heart. Fear, self-doubt, and insecurity can surface, making it difficult to truly listen, observe, and take accountability. But choosing to engage in this work is a powerful act of integrity. It shows you are capable, wise, and reliable—a person who values growth over comfort. This is the mark of someone who is truly kind, responsible, and benevolent. And as you continue to show up in this way, a person who is accountable, not only will you earn your own self-respect, but you will also become a safe and dependable presence for those around you.
By implementing these steps, we can move beyond justifying our actions with intention and instead cultivate deeper relationships, foster trust, and contribute positively to the world around us. Impact is what truly defines our legacy—let’s make it count.
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